I really wish me and Candice could just talk about this in person. I've heard from andrew that she's basically bored with our relationship, and she tells me its because of 2 fights. is she lying or is she just afraid to tell me i was a bad boyfriend for her? that makes me angry, because i think she's lying but she's never lied to me before not once. thats why i love her, she's always been like a dream, she has her problems, thats for sure, but i mean, its never been anything so serious that i didnt want to work them out or try and understand them better.

i'm so pissed off right now. She deleted me from her myspace... i dont know why thats getting to me so much. i dont know why i'm still trying to care so much. i know why, its because i love her. i still do. if she'd let me back into her life i'd go so willingly and so fast.

why do people break up? i thought it was because someone cheats and its an unfaithful relationship, or because one or both fight physically and its an abusive relationship. sometimes one person puts the other one down and its an unhealthy relationship. i guess the last reason is because of sexual or desire issues, and one or both just doesnt "feel" it anymore. i think my relationship with candice is sort of the last two. i dont think i've ever put her down, i mean, i've critized somethings but i've never told her she couldnt reach her dreams or she wasnt good enough for anything. maybe i did, and that makes me a asshole. it really hurt me when andrew told me what she said. she wants that new boy friend feeling. is that all? we couldnt just go back to dating we had to end the whole thing? damnit. i'm fucking myself up.

i'm so angry at myself for letting this happen.

i told andrew a secret, i'm sure a lot of the people that read this already know it but i'll say it again so i'll remember it. i tried to kill myself once. it was just before i went to washington. Jennie and Sal saved my life. they really did. i dont think i've ever told this to candice, and i wish i had. i never got the chance to tell candice a lot of things about myself. but how do you tell someone that? its so hard.

i'm going to try and leave Candice alone. I love her so much i really wish her all the best, even if its not me. I know she'll be happy, she's so beautiful, and amazing and smart and caring and she's like a dream. I still worry about her. i know she's hurting to, and i wish i could take that hurt away so badly. i wish i was god, so i could fix everything up in her life and she'll just be happy. i'd make everyone happy if i could. but i cant. but i dont think its a faliure of mine. its just life. and i'm trying to grow up and understand these things as best as i can. I still miss candice. and i really want to call her and try and cheer her up and give her a kiss on her cheeck and say goodbye and leave. just vanish off the face of the earth. i think that would make her happy.

this is so hard, i want to go back out with her so i want to talk to her, but at the same time she hates me or doesnt want to talk to me or whatever so i feel like i should just leave her alone. but i love her so i dont want to. i'm going to go crazy because of this.

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