i totally fucked up. i don't care what anyone says i fucked up.

i should write Candice an e-mail. i should try and call her and tell her how much of a fucking idiot i am. i should try and call her and tell her how much of a fucking idiot i am. i should try and call her and tell her how much of a fucking idiot i am.

i let the best thing in my life go.

but i cant try. not this time. its over.

i hung out with Aimee today, during her lunch break. it was cool we had milkshakes and talked about stuff. after that i drove around for a good 2 hours. went to Sacramento and walked around old town for awhile, than i went to the Bestbuy in vacaville and talked to Steve for a really long time. i think i'll work their when it gets closer to the holiday season. he wants to plan a big hang out with all of the old crew on some friday. i hope it doesnt fall through.

i walked around downtown Vacaville too. it was cool i guess. i dunno, it was already dark so i couldnt go down by the creek so that sort of sucked. i like hearing the water run over the rocks, its very calming.

i saw the darkwing duck collection at Walmart... i hella thought of Candice, i wanted to buy it for her. i dunno why. i just did. i feel like such a retard, here i go breaking up with her but still thinking of her. i wonder if she knows why we really arent together yet. i dont think so. but then again i dont have any proof so i guess it would really just be wise for me to just not have an opinon regarding that question. just "i dont know." thats the best answer. heres a converstaion with Michelle, its like everything. stuff i havent really spoken to Andrew about even.

here it is:
Death452: well i basically asked her to to pick between me and him
Death452: and she didnt pick me
Death452: so i broke up with her
michelle: what do you mean pick?
Death452: but there's other stuff, like we dont see eachother as often
Death452: like, if she had to choose one
Death452: and i'm under a lot of stress at work and school
Death452: and i guess at home now, my moms sick
Death452: i found a lump on my thigh, i dont think its cancer anymore though
michelle: i'm still confused, what do you mean by having her pick betweeen the two. was she like, dating both of you or something? i really don't understand
Death452: it feels like it sometimes
michelle: how so?
Death452: like when the three of us are hanging out
Death452: i'm like on the back burner
michelle: and aren't you and andrew friends?
Death452: yeah
Death452: we are
Death452: and its not him
Death452: its really her
Death452: and it has to do with how i need affection and how she expresses it
Death452: and a million other things
Death452: in between
michelle: ok i understand
Death452: you probably dont
Death452: but i dunno
Death452: i found this lump on my thigh about two weeks ago now
michelle: well fine
Death452: and went to the doctors last week
Death452: they didnt say it was cancer but they didnt say it was an infection or anything else
Death452: so i just thought i had cancer
michelle: i may not have been through exactly what you're going through, but i know what it's like to be stressed and be in similar situations
Death452: and i dunno, i guess deep down i didnt want to have candice go through that with me if i did
michelle: god damn, what is with people and being so defensive when others try to help
michelle: fuck
Death452: i dunno.
Death452: anyway, so that was a factor
Death452: but i guess its not cancer now
Death452: probably another foical infection
Death452: damn hairyness
Death452: hello?
michelle: hi
michelle: sorry
Death452: hey
Death452: its okay
michelle: just be a man ali
Death452: what?
michelle: nothing
Death452: i thought i was going to die michelle
michelle: you pissed me off with the "i don't think you understand" comment
michelle: oh yeah, i hella don't understand
Death452: well i didnt tell you everything
michelle: i've never been stressed or in a relationship where i felt like i wasn't loved
michelle: never mind
michelle: just stop
Death452: and i dont think andrew who doesnt know everything shouldnt be your only source of information
michelle: you and candice are over, i thought i wanted to know from you, but i didn't
Death452: please
Death452: just wait
michelle: dude, i understand that he was my only source
michelle: THAT'S WHY I ASKED YOU
Death452: well let me finish than
Death452: answering i mean
Death452: the thing with andrew is that he brought out this side of candice that i sort of envied
Death452: like, she doesnt smile the same way or laugh as loudly
Death452: with me i mean
Death452: so that hurt me a lot
Death452: because i couldnt do that for her
Death452: and with everything else going on in my life i needed a lot from candice
Death452: i needed her to kiss me when i needed kisses
Death452: despite where we were or who we were with
Death452: and she wasnt able to do that
Death452: its like here i am, depressed over work shit, seeing my mom work her ass off than lay down ALL day coughing and crying, i dont see my sister anymore, i think i'm dying
Death452: it was all too much
Death452: and when she said she couldnt make that choice i totally lost it
Death452: i'd have done anything for Candice
Death452: anything
Death452: i still would
Death452: but she couldnt do that for me
Death452: and it killed me
Death452: how do you choose someone you only recently started talking to again over your boyfriend who you've been going out for for over 2 years and who swore he'd always always work at making you happy?
Death452: i needed her to pick me and she didnt
Death452: i hate that i had to ask her but i needed it
Death452: just like i needed to kiss her infront of Andrew in toys r us and she only gave me a quick peck when i needed the passionate kiss to keep me going.
Death452: i take things to excess, i know this its one of those things i do. i love in excess, i drink in excess its always all or nothing
Death452: and thats how we broke up
Death452: i gave it the all or nothing attitude and it destryoed me, pretty much.
Death452: if you want to pass judgement on me its okay. please leave it on my myspace so it'll be immortalized though.
michelle: i'm not passing judgement
Death452: ok
Death452: i think you understand now
Death452: it was a lot of other things
Death452: and yes i blamed only andrew when we broke up
Death452: but i just couldnt tell her everything else
Death452: that i thought i was dying, or at least might die
michelle: i understood that before
Death452: oh
Death452: okay.
Death452: i didnt know you knew the WHOLE story, just the parts andrew might have told you.
Death452: well..
Death452: i'm sorry to say that you "didnt know" or whatever my wording may have been
Death452: read "may have been" as was. michelle: i didn't know the whole story
michelle: but i understood how you felt and all
Death452: well you do now
Death452: thats everything
michelle: oye
Death452: i was doomed from the beging
Death452: lol
Death452: i've been reading the Captain Marvel series again
Death452: its about a superhero who knows everything everywhere and what will happen
Death452: and to ultimately save the world he has to go back in time to kill his only son
Death452: thus damming all of his prior and future opions of himself
Death452: but its all predestend and he's forced into playing the roles as they come
Death452: and its all for the greater good.
Death452: my medical coverage is ending this year.
Death452: and i'd have no way for paying for whatever medications i'd need for cancer
Death452: i thought i was going to die for sure.
Death452: its like, how do you go on with that kind of knowledge?
Death452: as it turns out its an infection, but when they checked me out i didnt have any of the signs it was just a lump no redness or warmness to the area
Death452: so they ran blood tests.
michelle is away at 1:26:17 PM.
Death452: i think its an infection
Death452: they called earlier this morning and said that i need to come in on saturday at the valljo kasier
Death452: but they reassured me its not cancer, might be something else.
Death452: i'm pretty sure its an infection because i had a folical infection before, its the sweat from work plus hairyness. its gross. anyway it feels the same way as it felt before so i'm pretty sure its the same thing.

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