I cant believe people are expected to pay to get into that place now. eh, I paid. I got the student pass. Anyway, i walked around after school. it was a lot of fun. It was sort of a trip down memory lane i guess. I walked past the site that me and Candice had our picknic in the field of flowers, only the flowers are very much dead, and the green field is more golden now, I stayed their for along time, probably half an hour just trying to think of everything aspect of that really good day. i'm surprised but i remember a lot from it. We had sandwhiches, from Raley's i believe, Candice drove, but before we went there we went to Safeway and got a bag of cool ranch doritos, sodas (i cant remember what), and cookies from the bakery. I remember holding candices hand all the way up there because i was afraid she'd slip and fall. I remeber eating and layig down with the sun in my face. but it was okay because she was next to me. we saw an airplane and i think i said something about that (dont remember what) and we saw a bird. i remember it being a little windy when we finally left. we used a beach towel that Candice provided to sit down on. i also remeber holding her hand on the way down. i wore my brownish gray polo and i think i had a red tee shirt under that and Candice wore something... i think it was her purple shirt. i cant remember that.

Its amazing how i could not have remembered as many details had i not gone back to that special place. on the way their though i saw a lizard with its head shot in half and a pile of BB bullets. i'm not a pathologist but i'm pretty sure it died by a BB gun. i dunno why anyone would do that. it sort of pissed me off because its so stupid.

I also went by the area where I knew me and Candice should start seeing each other. I dont rememeber why we went to the park that day, but I know it was at the area where you can see the Budwiser factory and the red sign. it was starting to get dark and i suggested we sit down for a little while. it was sort of uneasy at first because there was an obvious uncomfortable silence, the kind between two friends who've been apart for too long and dont know where to being explainging their life up to that point. I remember holding her close and kind of guiding her down while kissing her cheek and neck. i told her i wanted to be with her, like going out with her. she agreed and we went down to her car and i think my car was there too, but i'm not sure if we just met up or if she picked me up. anyway, once there we were in her car and she said that she didnt want to blindly fall into a relationship and suggested dating first. i agreed. it was the same night we went to Starbucks and Wayne and Selina were there with Jazzmine, Karen, Nancy, and i think Jacob was there too actually, Sal might have been there. I remember him trying to tell Candice of our plan to get her and Selina to talk to each other again. He was probably their than, just visiting i think.

I also was reminded of the times me and Jacob would go there. We'd walk for a very long time. We managed to get to the other side of the park and walk this really narrow trail along the hill side. it was a little scarry because i kept thinking i'd fall.

I remember when me and Jeff went there to take pictures. we walked for a long time and got to the part where you can see the Puta Canal. I took a lot of pictures that day too. I was very into 35mm film cameras. luckly most of the happiest moments were captured through film.

I guess the park was a little bitter/sweet but it was also very relaxing. i'll be going there as much as possible now because thinking there is so much easier. Understanding things are easier too. Its plain as day now. I understand Candice.

man... i hate this. i hate how i did this. i cant let go. not yet. well, not totally yet anyway. i check my myspace to see if she wrote me a message. its stupid i know. but i do it. i'm a sad man. not broken hearted but just pathetic. i'll stop now. i guess i want to hear that she's okay. that she's doing good and things are looking up for her. i want to take care of her. like be the shoulder for her to cry on and the ear to listen. but it wouldnt work because i'm the one who sort of screwed things up. still, i wish i could help her through this. i miss her a lot still. i read this blog i posted on myspace, the second one, posted on Thursday, May 05, 2005. Anyway the reason i mention it is because i think thats when the relationship started to go down hill. I'm not saying that everything after that date was bad or anything its just thats the date that i mention Candice telling me that the relationship felt part time. its sort of been that way ever since.

i wanted to expand on that but i'm really tired. so i'm going to bed. good night. I love you. still.

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