I did something i probably shouldnt have done. yeah, i faltered and in a moment of uncertainty and a great host of other issues i messaged Candice. i feel like i should post the contents of the messages, their replies, and my replies here. but i wont. this thing has done enough damage on that front. its not here to hurt anymore. just to comfort and to help me remember the feelings and thoughts and actions, the scene and time and place.

so in my room, which is, by the way, still a terrible mess. (oh heart break, my excuse and my shield.) i sat and thought about everything, again, for the 15th time i think, more than likely 1 millionth time, and i realized that if i feel so strongly for Candice, why run like a dog? i couldnt answer that, so i sent her a message. i'm glad i did it. but at the same time i regret not waiting a few months at least. i guess Candice isnt doing as well as i wanted her to be doing. so the wounds havent exactly healed. and i guess my desires haven't exactly wanned at all either. so, what i'm going to do is move on. yes, i'm finally decided on it now. i realize that things are over, and even if we did get back together all of the problems that plauged us would still be there. and its not that i dont love her. i do. its just, in the next few months i'll have even less time and in a year i'm not sure. i'm not giving up all hope that we might be together in the future, alibet more distant than i'd probably like. i'm pretty sure Candice still has feelings for me and i'm proud of the fact that she can put them aside to move on with what she believes is the best course of action. i'm going to follow this example.

i'd very much like it if everyone i know to not talk shit about her. i care about her still, and only wish the best for her. we had friendship bracelets, i took it as a way of saying we'd always be at least friends or maybe friends frist and boyfriend/girlfriend second, anyway i understand why she's doing what she's doing. in 10 years from now if i got word that she needed help i'd do what i could to help her. there arent any hard feelings on this side of the fence, not anymore anyway. and i hope everyone on "my side" will not harbor any hate targeted toward Candice. were all of age lets act like it, if not for her do it for me. please.

today was pretty cool. lots of fun was had. my uncle and his fiance came over. we watched some Venture Brothers episodes and BS'd for awhile. i told him how i broke up with Candice. he said, "well she never gave you a discount right?" and i said, "well... not really." and he said, "well its probably for the best then." it sort of reminded me of my uncle Aktars wedding in Conneticut. i told everyone who'd listen about Candice, and everyone sort of seemed like they wanted me to cheat on her. i dunno. it felt terrible hearing all of that then. but now that everythings sort of finalized and neutralized itself i dont know what to really think of that statement. i had a few oppertunites to "get with" other girls while with Candice. well when i say "few" its really only 2. but still. i didnt consider them at the time because i didnt want to go down that road. i guess that road leads to what my dad is now. sort of a womanizer. well... a womanizer. no sort of. he's always braging about how many chicks he's screwed. call me old fashion but theres only one person you make love to. thats it.

i forgot where i was going with all of that....

oh yeah, uncle came over.

so we watched some Venture Brother episodes, played some guitar hero, played a little soul calibur. then we went to Scandia. we were about to see Fearless but that fell through. anyway, at Scandia we all went on the mini speed way thing. it was pretty cool. i got stuck with the shitty car. it was one of the two seater ones so it wasnt very fast. i did beat my sister, uncle and soon to be aunt. my sister slamed into the soon to be aunt. it was pretty funny. after that we played some arcade games for a long time. too long actually. 20 dollars buys you a freaking ass load of tokens. so we played and played. eventually we went home. there we played a few games of Pit while watching this indian movie with a guy with no arms. the movie was really entertaining because the armless dude beat up this other guy. twas hilarious. than we got into a disscussion about "Waterworld." that movie sucks, end of discussion. finally we went to Long John Silvers. it was pretty good. i probably ate too much though. deep fried fish is my weakness.

i IMed Alex today. it was cool, we had a lot to talk about. i told her about the Candice deal. she's hopeful. which is good i guess. she's still going to Sonoma state. i think we'll hang out eventually. she was one of Jennie's room mates way back when.

i keep hearing Jonna Matrunga songs in my head. currently playing... "The Greatest Wonder"

I've got some oil and some matches
You know i would do anything for you
So whether for light or for ashes
All of us burn for something

The greatest risk, the greatest wonder

Some of the time we are stolen
Most of us live our lives as thieves
So how could you know that i could be trusted?
How could you know that i just know that i won't leave?

Always waiting for someone to be sure
Always praying that we'll be ready for

The greatest wish, the going under
The greatest risk the greates wonder

You cannot give somebody joy
But you can find it by trying
You cannot save someone from death
But you can love them while theyre dying

Always waiting for someone to be sure
Always praying that we'll be ready for
Yeah i'm ready!
So give me something pure
The bravest wish, the going under
The greatest risk, the greatest wonder

thers a lot of good stuff out there. i know one of the best, well rather, i knew one of the best. lets see how number 2 and every thing/one else is.

i work out now. like all things i take this to an extreme. i've already lost 5 lbs. and i have muscle again. i think i'll join the 24 hour fitness now. i already get a discount. so why not? i'm gonna be ripped.

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